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107.9END

CLEVELANDS MODERN ROCK

BIG TIPS

Every winter I get tired, and can't seem to keep up

by M.T. “the Big Tipper” Martone

Every once in a while, one has the opportunity to witness a human tragedy that changes the very way one lives in the world. The other night, while dining at an Italian restaurant, I was marginally involved in such an incident.

My dining companion and I, despite being quite full from a tasty mountain of ravioli, were each heartily smacking down a cannoli. The women at the table adjoining ours eyed our desserts, then called the waiter over. We noticed them happily requesting something, then folding their hands in barely suppressed anticipation.

No one could have seen it coming. But when the waiter proudly deposited their treat between them with a flourish, then quickly departed, they were facing, not two creamy, ricotta-filled pastries, but a frozen tri-colored disc. They'd accidentally ordered spumoni. I've never seen anything sadder than the two of them poking at the round, trying to figure out what the pistachios were.

Please don't let this happen to you. Everything at an Italian restaurant ends with an i, so if you are mystified, please ask your server for clarification. If you receive the wrong item, even if you mistakenly ordered it, it's okay to send it back, with apologies. Be brave, and experience satisfaction. Bon appetit.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm a guy with a busy schedule, and I like to think I get it all done pretty efficiently. However, every winter that rolls around finds me struggling to keep up. I don't have more to do, but I get tired much earlier in the day, and things that were easy to do six months before are too hard to start now. I don't feel particularly down, I'm just exhausted.

This is hard on my boyfriend, who is hurt because I don't want to go out as much and would prefer to do quiet things at home, instead of going out dancing and to friends'. houses. We got together last spring, so he hasn't seen me like this yet. I know my energy will pick up in a month or two, but it's hard on both of us now. What do you think?

Dear Season the Day,

Dark Days

As the earth loops its way around the sun it takes us all for a ride. When we North Americans are tipped toward the ol' flamin' orb, we run around in tank tops and giddily burn ourselves, flushed with body memories of childhood summer vacations. But then the earth leans back on its haunches, and the piper is paid: those sweaty nights seem romantic from ten paces, and all of daytime seems to elapse while we're indoors working hard for the money.

It's a current trend to pathologize any bad feelings we have: some folks would say you're suffering from SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, because being exposed to less sunlight has a depressive effect on many people. There's a difference, though, between life-endangering depression, and just boiling your pot on a smaller burner.

If you're having a hard time getting out of

bed to get to work, or losing interest in sex, or actually questioning your will to live, get thee to a homeopath or Western doctor posthaste, because those are extremes you don't have to suffer from. If you're not feeling crazy and weak, perhaps you'll just subscribe to the theory that wintertime is natural mammalian downtime.

This should not preclude lots of domestic affection; if you will, the California wine of good lovin.' Make your home a desirable place to nest: Flannel on the bed and a mess of good pillows might just give clubbing a run for its money.

Consider also the fact that you and your boyfriend may just be moving to a different stage in your relationship in which perceived flaws are a little scarier, because you might just be in it for a long haul. If so, by spring he'll have seen your whole seasonal mood cycle, and should well believe that it is just that, a cycle.

Also, sweaters and corduroys are actually heavy, and that alone can be wearying. I'd suggest frequent nudity, especially with the one you love. Hang in there baby, spring's acoming.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have an odd habit that I'm embarrassed about, and I want to be anonymous when I ask for advice about it, so this seemed like a good place to go.

I don't use tampons or påds when I get my period. I just wad up toilet paper and tuck it in my crotch. It works really well, and I don't have to pay for "feminine hygiene products," but I'm afraid when I'm going out with a girl that she'll find out and think I'm weird.

Actually, it doesn't seem terribly weird when I write it down, but I don't know anyone else who does this. Is this bad for me? Should I be embarrassed?

Dear Bleeding the System,

Money Saver

Hey sister, more power to you. Bleeding women are over a barrel: We're pressured into using increasingly expensive products, that aren't necessarily good for us.

If you've found a way to go out in the world proudly with white pants month-round, without spending money you don't want to, I say that's great. My one suggestion is to make sure you're not using colored or dyed t.p., since that's a lot of extra chemicals grinding into your special parts. Other alternatives to commercial tampons and pads women have found include: using a diaphragm (say you had one.. ..) to catch blood, and natural sponges. Check out a natural food store for those.

By the way, if any guys are appalled to be reading this, too bad. For the last ten years, you've been able to get condoms (another extortively expensive necessity) free in the bars. The girls need to get tampons and pads for free. As long as it keeps coming out, it's going to keep coming up. ♡

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com.

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